Monday, August 26, 2013

Change: Always Good but Always Hard

I haven't stuck to my blogger schedule I set for myself. My free time has been consumed by preparing Abby for school, getting all her necessary documentation and just fretting in general.

Lately she's really been struggling socially. Bronco and Shelby have become timid around our dear Abigail. They're afraid every movement she makes in attempt to hurt them.  Shelby and Bronco are still too young to understand Abby can't see and that she's afraid. Even now as I write this I am fighting tears.
Abigail 2 Years Old
My heart aches and yearns to understand her and fulfill her needs. I wish "my heart aches", was a figurative term. My chest literally tightens on days like today. Days like today consist of Abigail biting, scratching at her siblings just because she hears them. If  she hears Shelby in the kitchen Abby crawls to her to exert her frustrations. When I finally have Bronco and Shelby down for a  nap, on days like today,  I spend two  hours holding a crying child. Cries from a desperate little girl who wants nothing more than to tell mommy what's bothering her, why she hurts her siblings, why she has such sad days. I know she wants me to hear these things so I can help her.

I've often read about "the gift of tongues" and heard miraculous stories of missionaries picking up a language practically overnight so they can serve their Heavenly Father. Many times I've gone to the Lord in prayer, pleading that I would be given the gift to understand my Abby, so I can better serve her as mother, as the Lord would want. I have prayed that she would be given the gift of words to ease her struggles.
Abigail 3.5 Years Old
Yet, communication with my 3 year-old remains a guessing game of trying everything I can to appease her. I realize that I only KNOW so much. I realize that I don't have the tools nor the knowledge to help her learn speech. Which is why her attending preschool for the Utah School for the Deaf and the Blind is so imperative.

I have so many mixed feelings about school. I am POSITIVE it will be good for her. I feel that she'll get many learning tools there and help that I cannot offer her at home. I am scared for her; scared for days like today when she is crying, feeling anxious and alone, that I won't be there for her. I feel RELIEF that I will have more time to focus on Shelby and Bronco during the day. More relief that they will have "worry free" time to play and  not walk on eggshells whenever Abby comes out for the morning. I know that Abigail can only benefit from preschool. Change is good but it's also hard.

We are so blessed that Abby will have such an extensive and regular school schedule (even through summer time). We are blessed  to have an  opportunity to focus on our other children without stress on them. Life is about to get a whole lot easier but I am still praying that my Bugaboo's evaluation goes well tomorrow so she will be in school ASAP.

All my frustrations, sadness and worry about understanding my little girl and vice-versa seem as if they're about to be alleviated. I feel that is exactly what Heavenly Father has in mind to help His angel daughter receive the gift of speech. It's wonderful how every puzzle piece of our struggles over the last several months led us here for us and for her... But that's another post for another time.

Mrs Lee

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